Gratitude
We have in our systems “giraffe juice” – the natural body chemical that is generated whenever we see we have enriched life. It becomes a wonderful addiction. The purpose of expressing genuine gratitude is to stay conscious that it's a fun game to play.
One of our universal needs is to contribute to meeting other people’s needs. A universal need is intrinsic – it comes from inside us. To offer others an opportunity to contribute to meeting our needs is a precious gift we can give to others.
Dominator culture subverts the natural process of gratitude by using praise and compliments as rewards intended to manipulate compliant behavior (as in “Good job!” – read Alfie Kohn’s book Punished by Rewards): the child learns to sit quietly in class not because that behavior will contribute to their intrinsic need for learning but because of the expectation of a gold star next to their name.. Dominator culture trains us to contribute for extrinsic reasons – reasons that are outside of us: rewards, approval from others, tax deductions, name recognition. The motivation behind praise is often pure appreciation, but the language undermines the intent by enabling a dependency on external approval. In expressing gratitude the intent is to celebrate how our life has been enriched by the other person’s specific action.
When we receive feedback on how our actions have enriched life, we get the shot of giraffe juice that generates and strengthens the intention. The gratitude learning loop starts with the intention to enrich life and it is realized with actions.
In offering gratitude, include the basic components of NVC honest expression:
- what we witnessed the other person do
- what needs of ours were met by their action
- how we feel as a result
- a check to see that our expression of gratitude was received
In receiving gratitude, we can continue generating giraffe juice by saying to the other “I am glad I was able to share something I was given that is useful to you.” (or silently to yourself: “I am grateful for what I have received that allows me to give.”). If, after receiving gratitude feedback, we say “oh, it’s nothing,” we don’t support the flow of giraffe juice and we don’t generate it in ourselves. If we want to be brief, instead of “it’s nothing,” try “joyfully given” or “my pleasure.” And though the choice of words is meaningful, remember that it is not the words but the intent and the connection that matter.
Our need is to contribute to life. Contributing to life is not about ego (‘See what a good person I am!’). Approval and reassurance are strategies to tell us whether we have contributed to life but they are based in someone else judging our behavior (good/bad, smart/stupid, etc). Replace approval and reassurance with empathic connection and honest reaction. Gratitude, or appreciation, is a universal need. Appreciation from a particular person is a strategy. Appreciation is telling other people (or ourselves) how their behavior has contributed to meeting our needs.
Try these practices:
- Keep a gratitude journal. Make daily entries:
- to celebrate what you did
- to celebrate what someone else did
- to reflect on if and how you expressed gratitude to that person as fully as you would have liked to
- to set intentions to express gratitude
- before dinner, make it a family practice for all to share something they did and something that was done for them that enriched life
In the words of Mark Twain: “I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me—I always feel that they have not said enough.”
Adapted by Jerry Koch-Gonzalez from Marshall Rosenberg workshops on 11/6/03 & 11/20/04
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